This week has seemed like there were more mommy challenges than normal. I don't know if there really were, or if I just didn't handle them as well, so it seemed like there were more.
Last weekend our family stayed up late both nights going to concerts and I think, being sleep deprived already, we just didn't handle the lack of sleep too well. I think we are still in recovery mode. That post about sleep 2 months ago is a distant memory. Carissa is waking about 4-5 times at night now. She is a snacker....won't eat a full meal, so she's got to have her snacks about every 2 hours. How do you turn a snacker into a full meal eater? Anyone? I think she's old enough to let her cry it out for a little while, maybe 20 minutes, but I'm just so tired I don't want to stay up for 20 minutes and then have to get up anyway. Or, I don't want her to wake up Will and then spend another 30 minutes trying to get Will back down. (Do you hear the whine as I write this?) Someday I will sleep again.
As I am trying to figure out how to discipline a 2 year old and not do it in total frustration, which is hard to do as a sleep deprived person, I try to remember there is significant purpose in what I am doing. One day I was cleaning the kitchen and I was listening to a song "None but Jesus" by Hillsong that Christy Nockles sings. There are a couple of lines in there that talk about when God calls I won't delay and I won't refuse his call. So many times in this short two and a half years of motherhood I have dragged my feet, almost in resentment at being a mom, as if it is a menial existence (and forgetting that this is what I've always wanted and it is an amazing blessing.) I LOVE my kids, but there are times I just want some alone time, or sleep, or to do something without having to make prior arrangements for childcare, etc., etc.. I realized while listening to the words of the song how I am delaying or refusing when God has called me to motherhood. I can waste these years in resentment or I can live them out with purpose, not delaying and not refusing God's call. He's not calling me to be a missionary in Africa (at least today). I say I wouldn't refuse that call if He willed that...why in the world do I refuse Him in the calling to be an excellent mom? And why in the world do I try to do it in my own strength? I definitely need God to restore me daily by coming to Him in total dependence, reading His Word and talking to Him. In my weakness, I need His grace and strength.
All these thoughts that started from listening to this song have made me want to start each day running toward God's calling in my life and approach it having great purpose instead of dreaded drudgery. It's given me more joy in my days and I am thankful for that. I don't want to miss out on this unique time in frustration but treasure it with gratitude and with a full heart. I want to love my kids and be patient with them, the same way Christ has loved me and is so very patient with me.
Here are all of the lyrics to "None but Jesus"
In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call i won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos and confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more
